Throughout the years I've have enjoyed my grandma's Lumpia. I enjoy watching her wrap all the ingredients in a lumpia wrap. After I see her slowly drown the lumpia in the fryer. I wait anxiously for the lumpia to be done. Once I see the sight of warm smoky lumpia resting on the counter I attack the lumpia first.
At parties we always hunt for lumpia. Lumpia was always sighted at Special events, and parties. It looks hard to make lumpia so I asked my grandma when she learned to make lumpia. She said "ever since she was a little girl". At that point I thought lumpia should be easy to make. I even saw my dad making it too.
When my grandma brings her lumpia as a snack we always look for our favorite type which is banana. Me and my brothers would alays fight for the last piece. I tried to make my own before, but it blew up in the fryer. I remember hearing the crunch of the lumpia wrap, then the melty banana so sweet dancing in my mouth. T this day i've come to appreciate the way my family makes lumpia.
i like how you describe the sight and smell of the lumpia when it first comes ff the fryer. I can picture and smell the lumpia right now. Something else I liked was that you described how you and your brother fight over the last bananas, that is funny. Good luck (:
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I liked your expressive sensory details such as: "banana so sweet dancing in my mouth." I also liked how you added in personality/voice in your draft when you said you would always attack the lumpia first. On the other hand though, I think that this draft could have been more organized, for example in the transition from the first paragraph to the second, you were talking about attacking the lumpia and talked about hunting for them at parties. These two subjects are similar, so I didn't really see a need for a new paragraph. Another thing that you might want to change is your sentence fluency. Some of those sentences are really short: "At parties we always hunt for lumpia. Lumpia was always sighted at Special events, and parties." But overall good job.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You should change your font, it's kind of hard to read.
Hi Christian,
ReplyDeleteFirst, I agree with Dustin that you need to change the font. It looks kind of cool but does make the words difficult to read...and the purpose of the blog is communication :)
Okay, now about the essay...like your teammates, I think it has some great detail about your lumpia memories. I think, however, that it needs to be developed further. We don't find out until the final paragraph about the type of lumpia and, even then, it's not clear whether you were talking about banana lumpia in the first two paragraphs or whether you were talking about all types and banana is just your favorite. There needs to be more detail about the ingredients (sensory detail) and their preparation. Another note on details and word choice. Although I understand what you mean by the lumpia "drowning"...the word creates a negative impression, like something that's really oily. Lumpia is deep fried, but it's a more positive kind of oil, wouldn't you say?
I think Dustin made a good comment about organization, though you'll probably have more than two paragraphs, once you've added more detail and depth to your essay.
Good start! and good luck on the revision!
mrs s