I walk in the gym in the gym and all I hear is the sound of the crowd cheering, The squeaking of shoes, and the scariest sound the buzzer. For a moment I get butterflies in my stomach, I overcome the feeling and realize I have a game to play. I walk pass the defeated team with looks of disappointment. I set foot on the court testing the grip of my sole. I made lay-ups and shots knowing that I shot these shots before.
The sound of the buzzer finally came, and I looked at the faces of my teammates. All of them were tired on their knees gasping for air. Suddenly I took a look toward the scoreboard where the score was a blow out and we won by twenty. I didn't even look to the scoreboard the whole game because I was having to much fun. After the thrill of the game was over we shook hands with the other players and I saw the same look on their faces like the ones before me.
Nice draft!
ReplyDeleteI loved the sensory detail when you wrote "The smell of freshly waxed..." I noticed you touched up on every sense which was great, you made me feel like I was actually on a basketball court. The only thing that I can suggest is to stick to one type of basketball court, (concrete or wooden), because if it were a concrete court you would have to take out the "smell of wax" part. But great job!
You have excellent sensory detail in your draft! I really liked the very first sentence, "*Swish* the sound of the ball falling through the net without the clank of the rim" it already gives you an insight of what your essay is going to be about. There was only one minor error. When you said "I walk in the gym in the gym and..." I think you were meaning to only put, "in the gym" one time. But other than that your draft was very good!
ReplyDeleteHi Christian,
ReplyDeleteBefore I get into the commentary on the draft, remember when Dustin recommended a different font? I agreed at that time and I emphasize that agreement now. The purpose of the blog is communication. If you teammates and I have a hard time reading what you post, you need to revise the format so that it is effective.
Okay...now for the comments. I agree with your teammates that you've done a great job with sensory detail. And I also agree with Dustin on the point about the wood OR concrete floor...that was confusing.
I have two main recommendations:
1) Make the progression of the game clearer. It's hard to tell that you are describing one game. At the start it seems more like memories of many games and years at this court. This is going to take more development. And, yes, it does need more development. I would like to see you do more on your drafts. The R&R was the same way, quite short in the draft and then fully developed in the revision. You need to put in more development & effort to make the investment of time and effort on the part of your teammates and me in commenting on your draft.
2) Once you have added in the content, then go carefully over the mechanics. Right now, the essay is filled with fragments and some tense shifts as well. You need to correct these, but not until the more major developmental stuff is completed.
Good luck on the revision!
mrs s
i like how you added good sensory detail and how you added used all of the senses details. Like how you put The squeaking of shoes, and the scariest sound the buzzer.
ReplyDeleteYour draft is good. Except for the part where you accidently typed the word twice. Good luck on your final draft.